The world is filled with joys, but a clouded mind is blind to all, a veil that I fight to keep off but not always succeeding. I’ve stayed quiet for too long, allowing the negativity inside to fester and spread poisoning myself. I will write my thoughts, my actions lay all of my feelings out there for all to experience in their own ways.
PSA: I will take this moment to express that I’ve been battling severe depression most of my life. Depressions strong grasp caught me in adolescence beginning around 5th grade. I fall in and out of ruts like anyone, some more difficult than others but I’ve always made my way out; sometimes with my own strength or with the help of others. My writing style when I’m in those ruts is dark, depressing and full of self-loathing. The point of this blog is to be 100% true to not only myself, but to my readers. This space is safe, regardless of the “hate” that will leak through the cracks. This space is a home to anyone who has gone through any struggles both in the past, present or fear for the future. I will openly write on my bad days, unveil the world of depression. It is a world hidden in between reality, most often felt but rarely seen or spoken about. I will shed everything, I will write the dark horrible thoughts that consume me and I will not care for the judgment of others, for then if I do I won’t ever find peace within myself.
Dreams once held dear stolen through the years a process of internal treachery
Stuck in a perpetual rut, artistically blocked. Passion vanished and self-doubt consumes my every action. This past year has been difficult in every aspect of my life; both personal and professional. Feeling lost in a world where I don’t belong. So many wants, but no drive to achieve. Through the days I’ve become callouses, hateful… apathetic. A cloud of sadness blankets my motives and thoughts creating an increasingly more difficult reality to build in. I am my own worse enemy, allowing others to further fuel the growing self-loathing fire within, blanketing my soul in its dark soot. Then the immense amount of guilt, the demons crashing, colliding within. The world is in discord and here I am filled with self-pity complaining about otherwise very selfish minuscule day to day occurrences. Small hiccups that radiate and ripple large craters in my heart.
But such is life, humans feed off despair be it of oneself or others, it’s a sick mental game where no one truly wins in the battle of life; in a contradicting statement, you must keep moving on.