Now the title of this article may appear a tad bit misleading, but it’s not…. kinda, keep reading and all your questions will have answers. Bringing this subject up is tough for me to divulge into but that’s why I started my blog. To jump into the depths of my self, show my core to others, escape from this rut I’ve lived in for far too long. So here I go, sleeves rolled up and sweaty palms, ready to tackle this beast, subject line: Why I haven’t had any female friends for the past 3 years.
Let me first start by clarifying the title. Many of those who found interest in this post idea were on Twitter, where the (now) 280 max characters lead to vagueness. Without much room to elaborate on the premise of the blog post but is also intended to lure readers and peak interest. With that being said this is a touchy topic for myself as it goes far back into my past; brimming with negative memories, experiences, and habits. I will be straightforward; as the whole point of creating this blog was to be truthful despite others opinions. I’ve always struggled with the authenticity, afraid of judgment from others. For those that hold animosity to me for my opinions, that’s on you but you will not deter me from being true to myself and to my readers.
I’ve had plenty of acquaintances that are females but I’m not friends with everyone I talk to, I’m just being respectful. This requires me to clarify my definition of “friendship”. Friendship holds different interpretations across all types of relationships. For me, a friend is someone whom I can be completely honest and vice-versa, much like a romantic relationship the individual would accept me flaws in all as I would do them.
Someone I can trust with my life difficulties, and hang out with on rare occasions but still remains strongly bonded. She and I would click on multiple interests. I do not consider females I speak to and am kind to as “friends” if I can not trust you to convey my soul to and vice-versa. Now by any means, I do not expect everyone to agree with me on that stance, as again I’ll reiterate friendships come in all kinds of shapes, all unique to each party involved as no one friendship is the same as the next for we are all individuals with our own quirks, faults, and interests. If you’d like to share your interpretation of true friendship I’d love to read your responses in the comments or on Twitter/Tumblr.
What I don’t do:
Despite my opinion on friendships, I do not nor will I ever treat someone with disrespect, regardless of color, religion, appearance, sex anything under the sun. Despite my insecurities, I do not let the past actions of others define the actions of someone else. Like anyone I’ve been wronged, many times due to my kindness and willingness to allow people in my life and more often than not I’ve always come to regret it.
I have a bad taste in women, (and men for that matter, but that’s an entirely different blog post so I’ll leave it at that for now) thus I’ve become picky. If people wait years for the perfect partner to marry and spend their life with, I can too do the same with searching for a best friend, as lonely the road to that point may be. I am a difficult person to love and stand, and I’m okay with that as quality is more important than quantity.
In the past, I’ve provided people the power to inflict pain on me and they all took the chance when they were tempted, not immediately but time shows the true intentions of one’s soul. Unfortunately for me, I always learned the hard way. After losing many of friends due to money, senseless theft and worst of all infidelity I grew to be hateful, insecure, paranoid and spiteful most of all; I became what I hated: Heartless.
I put myself in those situations, I gave the power to both parties and because of those mistakes made by everyone involved I became traumatized, time and time again I gave my soul to people in my life, and time and time again the dagger pierced my heart, leaving me alone seething with anger, a festering rage grew inside and I began to hate everyone for no reason at all. Fear tainted my personality leaving me vulnerable and viscose. I judged females on their clothing, refusing to befriend someone who dressed so scandalously in fear of losing another lover to the temptation of lust; an event I wouldn’t be able to relive for the fourth time; knowing full well that would be the last stake into my coffin, my inner-self deteriorated into a monster.
Despite my outlook on life, I never once treated ANY women with disrespect, I was fake but kind in my interactions, a contradiction I know. Distant, I never initiated long conversation, I was pleasant in my demeanor and always smiled back and responded to hellos and good mornings, but I was becoming sick. I despised the person I was internal, my depression intensified and despite having the love of my life beside me, I felt lonely.
I became unable to proceed through normal life without constant anxiety attacks, small PTSD episodes triggered by simple tasks such as scrolling through social media. Flashbacks clouded my judgment and in return, I gave no one a chance. Attractive co-workers that flaunted their confidence made me shake, countless days I spent dry heaving in the bathroom trying to calm down from panic attack after panic attack, hiding from the jugful eyes of my peers. I continued to fall down this hole inside; constantly comparing myself to others, the internal debate worsened and I became self-destructive. My eating disorder spiked, my arms covered in blood and my chest ached from the pressure. This series of unfortunate events stacked, and pilled on top of me, adding further stress with each passing day. I became the embodiment of everything I hated, a person I once loved was no longer inside, my reflection became tinted, dark unable to recognize myself I let my fear consume me. This was the lowest point in my life, I allowed the pain to take over, I became drunk on my despair.
I have crawled out of the depths of my own purgatory, but the demons visit my memories frequently. I’m still building myself back up, allowing myself to better experience my days with fewer haunting flashbacks. I continue to silence those echoing whispers and my once clouded vision has cleared substantially, but like all life, some days are hazier than others. I look forward to the interactions I’ll share with others as we build the foundation to the friendships of the future.
Still searching for that peculiar friendship, though the reasoning is no longer tainted by the hateful monster I once was. I have future goals that consume my days, with few hours to spend with my soul mate as is, the right person that meshes seamlessly with me and my spouse has yet to come along. I refuse to allow toxicity into my life, my will is weak and I’m very easily influenced by the hatefulness of others, forever emphatic. The missing puzzle piece will grace my/our life in the future until then the voyage will continue.